So, I’ve taken up jogging. As part of my mission to finally be fit instead of fat, I started the Couch to 5k program. Approximately 3 days a week (okay, 2 days most weeks) I jog a 30 minute workout in the program. Couch to 5k is basically interval training. The first week you’re supposed to run hard for 1 minute then walk for a 1:30 and repeat, for an entire half hour. So, I may be on my 4th week of week one, but still I’m doing it. I’m really trying to get my speed up before moving on to the harder phases of the program because my initial running speed was a 4.0mph the treadmill. For those of you not down with miles per hour conversions that is a 15 minute mile. That is molasses slow. There are 3rd graders with their tiny 3rd grader leg that walk faster than that. There are senior citizens who have had hip replacements that walk faster than that. So, anyway, I’m trying to get my running speed up a little higher, so that maybe I can run faster than the senior citizens strolling through the park. In the last 4 weeks, I’ve worked my running speed up to a much less shameful 5.2mph, which is just a hair under a 12 minute mile. So the point of all this is I have started jogging (slowly, but still jogging).
Usually I do my jogging at the gym with my
screaming banchees sweet children safely tucked into the childwatch. They play with blocks, and use Barbie Dolls as hammers to “fix” the roof of the dollhouse, while I huff and puff on the treadmill upstairs. Unfortunately we haven’t made it to the gym in several days because there has been NO time. So today, I decided to do my jog around the neighborhood with the kids. I do not have a jogging stroller, which didn’t seem like a big deal at the time. As it turns out, it is A. VERY. BIG. DEAL. So I bundled up my kids like little blonde Eskimos, and strapped them into the double umbrella stroller. As I placed my improvisational gloves (read: socks) on the babies hands Logan said he needed “mitts” to. I ran back in to get socks for Logan’s hands, and tricked the dog into coming back inside by pretending I was going to feed him. Sucker. I was jogging with two kids and no jogging stroller. I was not going to have the dog tripping me up too. As soon as I shut the door, the dog was up in the front window barking, as he had figured out my trick, and was undoubtedly cursing me out in dog barks.
I tried to push the stroller out of our gravel driveway, but the task was made more difficult by the fact that the stroller was weighed down with a combined 55 lbs of baby/toddler weight and an additional 17 lbs of warm winter clothes. I finally got the stroller into the grass, and out onto the sidewalk. And we were off. I was jogging. Without a jogging stroller. I was awesome. Even with the stroller, I was maintaining good form, I was picked up speed. I looked up, and stopped just short of slamming my children into the neighbors gate at an approximate rate of 5.2mph, which had blown open in the wind. I steered us up into the grass strip, went around the gate, and forged on. Everything was perfect until a little later down the block, a lawn service guy was emptying a mower bag into a garbage can in the middle of the sidewalk. He saw me coming and I kept waiting for him to move, but alas, it never happened. Who has the right of way in that situation? A young able-bodied guy dumping out lawn clippings or a chubby stay at home mom barreling down the sidewalk at full speed with two young children in a stroller that was designed for perusing the mall? I think we all know the answer to that question, however he clearly did not, as he just stood there. In an attempt to go around him, I pushed my stroller onto the grass strip without really slowing down. I may or may not have almost fallen, taking the stroller and the kiddos down with me. It was a truely graceful moment.
Shortly after this, towards the end of the block, my lungs began to burn in an unbearable way. Not in the normal, “Man, I’m out of shape” way that they sometimes do. It was more of an “I think I’ve inhaled anthrax and have seven minutes left to live” sort of burn. I tried to push on, but I had to slow to a walk before my lungs exploded. My best guess (since my neighborhood isn’t highly likely to be targeted with anthrax) is that there was some allergen blowing around in the breeze today that attacked my lungs. I do experience seasonal allergies, but I have more of a spring problem than a fall one, usually. It’s hard to pin down the culprit however, since I’m not sure exactly what I am allergic to. Except for bees. And with the horrible burning wheezing pain I had today, I’m not ruling out that I could have potentially inhaled one of those suckers. Seriously, my lungs have never known such pain.
We slowed to a walk and toured the neighborhood, and on the way home my stroller wheel caught on a curb, and nearly dumped my kids face first onto the concrete. I arrived home somewhat defeated, however Logan responded with a “that was FUN Mama!” So apparently it was a fun death-defying ride (like a roller coaster, but much less safe). Two hours later my lungs still are aching, and the dog is still pouting about not getting to go, and I am blogging instead of sucking it up and doing my darn MLA citations for school. So, I will be doing all of my future jogging at the gym where my children can use Barbie as a hammer, and I don’t have to dodge crazy obstacles. Maybe I’ll start jogging outdoors again once I get a jogging stroller and a hazmat suit (just in case).